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Racing PagesThe following require a good pair of speakers and an even bigger sense of humour!
An Assortment of Really Funny Images
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'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere-even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that bought little success.
Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday."
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my cycling days."
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately ask what brand she prefers
."Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." ………………The pharmacist fainted !
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
A couple went on holiday to the Lake District.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn, preferring to cycle the hills late afternoon early evening. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She rowed out a short distance anchored, and returned to reading her novel.
Along came the Water Bailiff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning Madam. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book" she replied... as she thought to herself, isn't it obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informed her.
"But I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and issue you a fine".
"If you do that. I'll have to charge you with rape" snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you" gasped the Bailiff taken aback.
"Yes, that's true" she replied, "But you do have all the equipment".
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.
Joy BurnsOnce upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?", she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away ............................... "We're down here."